Top 10 Reasons Goats are A**holes

Disclaimer: This post was written during moments of extreme exasperation, which are normal for any goat owner to experience. It is not meant to discourage goat ownership in any way. That being said, it’s all totally true. So if you are considering keeping goats (especially bucks) buckle up! They are the toddlers of the farm world. Go in with a sense of humor or not at all! Shortly after this was written, we re-homed Buckley, our male Pygmy, and things are much more peaceful now.

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 Buckley getting ready to ram me

1.     They sneak up behind you while you are bent over weeding and unexpectedly ram you in the butt, causing you to fly two feet in the air, back arched like a contortionist, just as the mailman is driving by.

2.    They continuously jump the fence you installed, to eat the grass and bushes on the other side of the fence, which are identical to the grass and bushes on the correct side, then refuse to come back to the correct side unless you bait them with treats, which makes it feel like rewarding them for escaping. Then they maa at you and chase your car down the street when you are late getting your kid from the bus stop. So you come home and spend 20 minutes fixing the fence where they are escaping, only to turn around and have the crap scared out of you by the goat who is silently standing behind you, having escaped from some other unknown location. Repeat daily.

3.    They make people feel sorry for them because they are cute, so when you complain about them people think you are the a**hole for not understanding their cute ways, because after all, they are just telling you they want to play when they stab you in the leg with their sharp horns!

4.    Even though the world is their buffet, they attack you like ravenous wolves anytime you walk outside with something in your hand because they think it’s food for them. In their frenzy, they give you a sharp hoof to a fleshy part of your body, causing you to drop whatever you were holding on the ground, after which they sniff it and walk away disinterested, like nothing happened.

5.    They crush your dreams.

6.    Male goats do some truly disgusting things, even as far as animals go. I mean things I can’t even write about, and I’m no prude. So thank you, Buckley the Pygmy Goat. For the image that is forever seared upon my brain. That I can’t unsee. Thank you.

7.    They are incapable of learning manners. When you have company over they will knock their children down, jump up on their clean pants, pee, poop & hump at leisure, regardless of who is watching; Leaving you no good argument for why you keep goats, other than the fact that you are crazy. (No really, I’d rather put up with all of this than mow the lawn! They’re great! *twitch*)

8.    You may have heard that keeping goats is a great form of natural weed control. Don’t fall for it. They may choose a weed or two that they like best, but leave the ones that you really want gone. They will pass up dandelions and opt instead to eat your rose bushes, blueberry & raspberry plants, and every pretty flower that they can get their grubby little teeth on. Except the dandelions!

9.    Cornering small children against fences. Peeing and pooping where they sleep. Males peeing on themselves to attract females. Humping their sisters. All behaviors of a bad house guest.

10.  They break out of their safe confines to get to the Rhododendrons that are all over the neighborhood. These are poisonous to goats so they end up projectile vomiting green stuff. All. Over. The. Place. On the house. On each other. On you. Everywhere. You spend the whole night cleaning it up, administering medication and praying they’ll make it through okay. You thank God that goats have the natural instinct to learn what they can and can’t eat so this shouldn’t happen again. Then it does. Five times. Don’t worry, eventually you just get used to it.

3 thoughts on “Top 10 Reasons Goats are A**holes

  1. So….now I understand why you haven’t updated us about Bonnie. I now know I’m supposed to read your blog for further updates…. I won’t ask again. But that leaves the other 99 FB friends to do so…

    Hopefully Bonnie will have those babies soon!

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